BA pass,

 love fails.

Excuse me, please lift your hand, I want to go to class.

A sweet voice struck my eardrum. When I turned back. A dusky girl with medium stature and big eyes was standing behind me. In one hand she took a bundle of books. And on another shoulder, was hung a bag.

 

But sometimes the book was missing from her hand. Sometimes the bag was falling from her shoulder. And she was troubled in handling them. I offered her help. I said that to her. I can help you.

 

But she refused. I stepped back and she went to the classroom. This was the first incident. When I recognised her, she was also one of the co-student in my class.

 

This story was from the 90s. At that time, the girl and the boy were not used to being in a friendly relationship. And they did not talk too much with each other. Girls especially hesitate more.

 

If any boy and girl walked in a friendly way with each other. It did not take even a little time for people to make different types of stories. So the girls were always used to avoiding it. In such a dire situation, my love was also flourishing.

 

Although after that day. I did not pay more attention to it. And lived an as-usual life. But often our destiny thinks differently for us. I am a 6-fit guy. With a simple face and dusky colour.

 

Not at all like the prince of any girl’s dreams. I had always thought that neither girl is going to propose to me? And if I propose to a girl she is not going to accept? 

 

So do not fart in the mess of these loves. Live a cool life. Where only friends were allowed. It may be my fear, because without doing anything. 

If you conclude or you were prejudiced. Then it was only our fear, which we wanted to hide under the cover of manhood pride or our arrogance.

 

As I say, our destiny thinks differently for us. After this, a series of unwanted meetings began. Where we both used to protect each other.

 

But somewhere that unwanted meeting enhanced us to think about and recognise each other. The series of unwanted meetings increased. In all this, our first year of BA was passed over. 

 

When we were in our second year, I still remember that day, the day was 2 August and the monsoon session had come. Our class was over. And we all are waiting. When the rain stopped we went home. But the rain did not want to stop. 

 

I thought the rain also wanted that. First time I know her name and address. Yes, one year was over, but I did not know her name. How late was I?

 

All were gone. Only my few friends and her few friends are still waiting. Suddenly one of our teachers came. He had a car. He offers us, can I ever leave you all?

 

We all accepted his offer. Because there were no options. One by one all our friends went down? Now she and I were left in the car. My teacher 

Said her “Nazia where did I drop you” 

 

Both ears came on alert mode. To hear her name. 

She replied, “please drop down at the next stop” and the teacher replied OK. The next stop came and she went down. My heart hummed the song, “Abhi a jao chor ke, ki dil abi bhara nahi” and my eyes looked at her. Whenever she gets over my vision.

 

When the teacher pushed me then I realized oh she was gone. He, again and again, asked me, where I dropped you. But I was lost in the notions of Nazia. I replied to the teacher ” please leave me here”

 

He dropped me. And I slowly started walking towards my house lost in her thoughts. When I reached home. My mother was very angry because I was a patient with bronchitis. So the doctor was strictly prohibited me from the cold and changing weather.

 

And I am a disciplined guy in this matter. But what had happened to me today, I could not understand. After that, I was suffering from severe allergies for 2 days. But the song was still humming in my heart. I will be very upset about this. Because I had never faced these all before.

 

Somehow 2 days passed and on the third day, I got ready to go to college again. I was not so well. Because this disease is the twin of asthma. So the weakness in the aftermath of this disease. But the desire to mate her was boosting my energy

 

When I reached college. She was sitting in the classroom. I don’t know why my heart felt happy after seeing her. When the class was over. She came to me and said to me “How are you? I heard you were ill?”

 

I replied ” yes, but now I am well”

 

She said, ” Why would you get wet in the rain when you knew you would fall ill?”

 

For some time I was in shock, what should I answer to her. Because of her, I got wet in the rain.

So I made an excuse to her that I didn’t get any transport. And I thanked her, for her concern about me.

 

All these things troubled my heart. Many types of questions came and went from my mind. Because I had no answer to those questions.

 

Well, I started my life again the same way.  “Ramta Jogi bahata pani” is like a cool guy.

A poem comes to my mind. What I thought about love at that time.

 

Pyar Na Karo, Dil loot jaega 

Aur lute Hue dil ka, football Ban jaega.

Jisse Mahbub Aaye Khela Karenge, Koi idhar Gol Karega Koi Udhar Gol Karega, lekin Bechara vah football tho Mera Dil hi hoga.

 

Don’t love, heart will be robbed

And what is looted will become a football.

With whom Mehbooba (beloved) would come and play, some would score a goal here, some would score a goal there, but poor football would be my heart.

 

But what do I do?  Even this cool guy was engrossed in love. The song (abhi na jao) did not leave me. It was still ruminating in my heart. And when I saw her the song’s sound became louder. With my breath. I don’t know, the same happened with her as well.

 

Life proceeded in the same way. And I have been stuck in one place like always with my fear. Neither was I able to talk to her, because of my fear. But I was suffocating inside.

 

But love continued to grow, by seeing each other, and talking lightly. That’s how I was happy. Because I was afraid that if I move forward, I may not lose what I have.

 

Time was passing like this. But the time or moment had come. Which increased my fear completely. Nazia was sitting with her friend in the classroom. The class was free. Now we were in our third year of BA. 

 

The topic of the discussion was. Which type of man do they like? All her friends gave their opinion and told about their dream man. I suddenly entered the room. 

 

Naziya was silent. She was not excited to told them about his dream man. I understood after seeing her face, I think big turbulence was going into his mind.

 

When she saw me. She was getting more confused. And she wants to leave that place.

 

I understood her feelings. When I saw her eyes. After all, we talked more with our eyes than our mouths in two years. So I left the place. Without knowing what her answer was?

 

But why does she not want to reply in front of me? Staying touched me. And this enhanced my fear.  Winter had came. And with this, the final year pressure also came.

 

On one side there was the pressure to pass the exam with good marks, for a better future. And another side was the pressure of love. She loves me or she loves me not. What a great cocktail was?

 

Life was going on with this chaos. We met once again. I still remember the day was 15 Dec day before winter vacation. Due to winter, most students sat in the lobby or gardens for the sunlight.

 

That day we were alone in the class. That was the first day and the last day, we talked that much. About our family, our ambition, and other parts of life. But when the talk reached the point of life partner. 

 

Suddenly the silence of death came into both mouths. My ‘why’ started spinning in my mind again. And her silence began to strengthen mine ‘why’.

 

On one hand, I felt that she wanted to speak. But could not speak because of her shame. But on the other hand, My fear answered. That she doesn’t love me. 

 

Finally in this tug of war. My fear won, and I couldn’t speak to her. I still curse that day that I should have at least told my heart’s word to her.

 

I am not saying this because I am in sorrow. Or I face a lot of difficulty because of it, I live a happy married life. There is only one regret in my heart. If I told her my heart’s words? I found the answer to my ‘why’

 

With this unfulfilled love of mine. I learned about love. Love is not a matter of winning or losing. When you meet with your true love all will be win-win. So because of this, you should not avoid saving yourself from the relationship, but you should make a relationship. Who knows maybe you will find your true love in him?

 

My story is end here with the song

 

  Kahin karti hogi, wo mera intzaar

  Jiski tamanna me, phirta hu bekarar.

 

  The search for love never ends

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